I fly into San Diego July 2nd for the objectivist conferences. I had wanted an early flight, thinking the conference stuff would begin early. (I had booked the flight before checking the ocon schedule.) I arrive at the Omni hotel via cab at 10 ish. Check out is 12 so I have to wait for my room. I give the desk my phone number so they can call me when it is ready. I am exhausted, having gotten on a plane at 7 in the morning. They finally call me and I am so grateful, ready to take a nap. I go up to the desk and while waiting in line, I hear a very sophisticated male voice say, "Are you with the conference?" I turn around and see an incredibly attractive man standing behind me. He is dressed very well with khakis on and a nice shirt. He has beautiful blue eyes and light brown hair. He is very well kept and I am attracted instantly. He looks about 25. I say that I am and then they call me to get my room. He is waiting for the elevator when I go up and we talk a little more and then he goes to his floor and I go to mine. I walk into my room, muttering "cute guy" to myself and then take a nap. My roommate comes and I meet her and then I get ready for the opening banquet that night. I see him and he looks really good. I say, "Hi Bryan" and we talk a little. I go to the bar and order a rum and coke and he orders the same thing. He seems a litte taken aback when he finds out I am 19. I ask him how old he is and he says 31. I am quite taken aback. He looked no older than 25. I think "I can't have anything with this guy." He introduces me to two people and we talk a while and I find out he had moved to Seattle for a while to be with his wife but then had gotten divorced after three months of marriage. (He had been with the girl for seven years.) Now, I am really convinced nothing will happen. A 31 year old divorcee? Come on. Still, he seems nice so I will continue to talk to him throughout the conference.

July 3rd: After the first session, I see him and say hi. He says he is going to lunch and was thinking of asking me to go with him. I say yes. He remember he has to be back at work and can't go out but I go up and talk with him more anyway. He hasn't had anything to eat and despite the facts of his age and past, I am still interested. I go buy him a sandwhich and bring him some fudge. He is very grateful upon receiving it. After the last session that night, Jason (a friend at the conference) and I talk to him. He tells me about his name and about his live journal. We have a long chat that night. I pretty much lose all hope of any romantic relationship when in the context of the conversation he mentions we couldn't date because of my age and because it seems Jason and I have something going on. I kiss Jason that night and maybe more.

July 4th: Jason tells me Bryan has met somebody who lives in San Diego and has Ayn Rand's rock collection. He tells me to find Bryan. When I am about to go work out, I go down to find him first and he is standing in the hallway, wearing all black. He looks so sexy. I can tell he is still interested in me because he is obviously attracted to me. He invites me to come and holds me in conversation. I go work out and then get dressed and stuff and then go meet him. The guy who has the rocks is Phil. He is a really cool and nice guy. So Jason meets us and nobody else comes and we all go out. Very quickly Bryan and I end up talking together behind Jason and Phil who are walking together and talking. He says to me, "I am confused by you." I ask him if he means my values seem to conflict or something and he says not at all. I am confused myself. He sits next to me at dinner at this pub and we all get the same beer and food except Phil orders different food. We have great conversation, joking about things. We make jokes about Bryan's penis and I flirt with him so blatantly that it doesn't appear to be flirting. We all walk to Phil's apartment and drink a few shots. Then we walk to see fireworks and I tell Bryan I am feeling a little crazy and he offers me his arm. We walk together to the fireworks and he tells me about his divorce and his mom betraying him and personal stuff. Phil and Jason bet whether or not we will get together. We walk back to Phil's place and drink some more and I end up lying down in Bryan's lap and we are always touching each other and holding each other. I look up at him and he has this look I have never seen before in anyone's eyes. I can tell he really likes me and I really like him too. We see the rock collection. It is cool. Phil says Bryan should kiss this beautiful girl on his lap and he says, "not in front of you." Bryan and I hold each other for the entire walk back to the hotel. We go up to the fourth floor and he talks to me. He tells me all of these fears he has and that he doesn't know if he wants a relationship with me. He says he wants to sleep with me. He tries to get me to run with his stories of how he has been hurt but I don't run because I care about him and see real potential for a good relationship. I think he is frustrated by this. He asks for time to think about that and I understand why he would need that. He has been through so much. He holds me and then we kiss- the best kiss I have ever had and an incredible first kiss. We go up to his floor and make out in the hall.

Bryan calls me the next morning and asks if I want to get breakfast. I go to his room and we just hold each other and kiss. He says, "I was hoping you wouldn't want breakfast." I don't remember the rest of the day but that night, we go to the Midway together and he is acting different. He is kind to me but not how he was the night before. I feel puzzled and kind of sad. I tell him I don't want to make decisions about a relationship. I think we should enjoy the rest of the conference together but then decide when I come back to San Diego in the fall. He agrees and thinks that is mature. Still, that night we go up to his room and make out and it gets pretty intense but he becomes too scared to do much more. This wasn't the person I knew the night before. I see that he is letting fear overcome him and he doubts his ability to choose a partner because of the divorce. He is thinking too much and letting fear cloud him.

We continue to go out and kiss and hold each other. We talk about things and laugh at tv shows together. He gets the courage to let us go really far one night but then gets scared again. We have all of these great meals together and talks and we can really laugh together. The kissing is so good. He tells me I am the best kiss he has ever had and that I have the most beautiful legs he has ever seen. We eat breakfast together one morning and he pays because he lost a bet about what state Charlottesville was in. Afterwards in his room, he tells me he can't have a romantic relationship with me and that he doesn't want a sexual relationship with me. I am shocked because I hadn't been feeling that all. At first I am hurt thinking this means he doesn't want to see me at all but quickly find he sees our friendship as very important. I realize much to my joy that I cannot be hurt by him. He tells me that while telling me all that he still wanted to touch my legs. He tells me is still sexually attractd to me and has feelings for me but doesn't think he can "sustain his feelings." I prod further, wanting to know what is happening and he cries, telling me he can't think of reasons I am inadequate for him. He needs a romantic partner with more relationship experience he says. I am sad but want him as a friend.

We still spend time together and hold each other during that time. We are still always together and he calls me and texts me and wants to be near me. Later, we go further again and kiss. We keep holding each other and he makes this sarcastic comment that, "yeah we are friends that touch each other a lot." I am confused but realize fear is ruling him entirely. He still has feelings but fears he cannot sustain them. He fears I won't have enough relationship experience to be with him. I don't think he identifies this as fear. He says goodbye to me and hugs me.

My birthday is the 15th, the day after the conference ends and he calls to wish me happy birthday. We talk online and joke around and talk about books.

Back home, online he tells me he is sure he does not want to be my boyfriend and again says he realized when he came that he could not sustain his feelings for me. He attributed it to the age difference, saying in certain issues I could not meet him at his level. The tense he talks in and the way he phrases things, it is clear he still has feelings for me. His feelings though are overcome by intense fear. I understand this fear but want to give the relationship a chance and only deal with these problems when they come up. He tells me he wanted me before and thought we'd make a good match. He was excited about the prospect of a new relationship and didn't really think it through. He tells me he is afraid I will hate him and he wants very badly to be my friend. After this conversation ends, he tells me via text messaging that he really loves the show House. I go to sleep.

I wake up and think about what he said. He didn't really think it through. That doesn't make sense to me. I could think a relationship through before entering it and think of millions of reasons why it wouldn't work but there is one for entering it in the first place- you like the other person and think the risk of heartache is worth it. The problem is that he thought it through. He is thinking of all the things that could go wrong instead of the things that could go right. After a divorce, it is difficult not to think of things that could go wrong since divorce is the supreme rejection. I see him as letting fear rule his life. He is preventing a really good thing from happening because he fears I won't meet him at his level. If that fear could somehow be eliminated, he'd think of another one. I wish so badly that he could let that go and just take this risk. He is terrified of happiness. What is he most terrified of is not that I won't meet him at his level or that I would get hurt or he would get hurt but that it might work out. We may not last forever but we could be very happy together for at least a while. I believe this is worth a try but he is too scared. I write him this letter about it, which should be featured an entry or two below. I am waiting now for a response. If he is too scared to be with me, I will have to deal with that and it will be easy because I don't want someone too scared to be with me. I want someone who can't stand to be away from me. I may have to accept him only as a friend for now and have the hopes that he might be able to change and overcome his fear. Those hopes would be existent but small and I would have to come to see him only as a friend. I can do that but it sucks considering I thought I had found someone who could be a really good partner for me for a while. I probably won't date for a while. I said that before I met him. I will find someone but not in my college and not someone my age. That's the story of how I met Bryan and how our romantic relationship, even if it only turns out to be two weeks along, affected me.